Marion told me that the sunset had to be viewed at the sky bar, on the rooftop of the King Hotel. While I stayed there, drinking my passion fruit soda, I had this incredible feeling of gratefulness… Who turned quickly into deep sadness.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=csaHks2gydQ

Emotions runs up and down pretty quickly when you are traveling.
I was here, watching an amazing sunset, but my friends were not here. I was far far away from the places I called home and no western references around me.
I had no one to share my feelings with. Nobody around to feel the magic. I wanted to scream to the world how great this moment was supposed to be, how amazing the colors were in the sky and how beautiful life was. But nobody could hear my voice because I was just a stupid lonely western lady on a rooftop in Battambang with her dollars, her camera and her passion fruit soda drink.

Suddenly loneliness was not just a theory. I could feel it twisting my stomach and taking my breath away. This was the first time of my trip that I realized how physically painful can be the feeling of being totally on your own, lost in a foreign city. I’ve heard later that loneliness can kill you. I experienced that only for few hours but I think I can trust the person who said that.

I had tears in my eyes, heavy shoulders and stomach cramps. I couldn’t released the tension yet, can you imagine me breaking down there? How unfair it would be? In a bit more than one month I’ve seen so many poor people who could give their heart to a stranger as they have nothing else to offer, disabled man who smiled at you so frankly for no other reason than just being grateful to be alive, homeless mothers with hope in their eyes… How could I be so weak and coward, just thinking about being lonely in a place that many could called paradise?

It appeared to me that Cambodia will be far different from my trip in Thailand for many reasons but especially because I could feel it would be harder to meet and talk to new people here. It was of course my first day in Cambodia and every time you change a country you have to get used to the customs, the local currency, the people, the smells, the water, the new faces and it can be disorienting even for a longtime traveller.
I checked my soul so deeply that evening that I thought I would never be the same person anymore. After one month on the road, I didn’t understand anymore what I was searching for and if I wanted to be where I was. What was my project and for who really I was doing it?

It’s actually really hard for me to share that kind of emotions and reflexions with you but what else this blog is about? This trip was about searching for some peace of mind and to show the truth about the everyday life of a solo female traveller. Here we are… Nothing is black or white. I had amazing moments during this journey already and I’m glad I shared that with few of you but a 5 month trip that you planned on your own is sometimes made of these heartbreakers hours when you don’t even remember who you are and why the hell you are even here.

My beloved friend Juliette called me that night and we had a deep conversation about that. She told me that the Universe was arranging everything I needed and that I should had no fear. Everything happened for a reason somehow…
That helps me a lot to figure out why the universe wanted me to feel that lonely and lost that night.
That simple sentence help me to see further away and stay optimistic about the future.
In the end, I was still the master of my life. I could change things from the inside…
And I chose to fall asleep with the smile. Even far away, my friends were still in my heart, my family were still close and tomorrow will be an amazing day. We are all lost, searching for a answer but maybe it’s as simple as “the answer is inside of you and it is love”.

You can call me Guru Margot now. Peace and love x